Saturday, August 22, 2015

Personal Story: Are you ready for it?

Hello friends!

This will be the last post in the "Personal Story" series. Are you ready for it? I don't even know if I am ready or not, but here it comes--ha, oh I make myself laugh.

Note: That last sentence created a totally different post than what I was going to say. I can't even remember what I wanted to say here! But, here goes:

Ready or not, here it comes.

What used to be a phrase in a child's game of hide-n-seek, has now become the motto of my life. Life has decided to throw things my way that I could never be ready for.

Picking a major? Not ready. Growing up? Never ready for that! Looking at grad schools? Nope. Not ready yet! Planning for life after graduation? Ha...oh...that's only two years away? Oh jeez.

All these things and more I have never been fully prepared for but they have become things I have to deal with. I have no choice but to recognize their existence and move forward. There is no other option! There's especially no other option when even bigger things get thrown my way.

The biggest thing I have been dealt has caused me to be ready for anything.

The last picture I ever took with Momma - March 2014
Bald Knob Cross, Southern Illinois.
Me: 20
Momma: 42
Life threw me for a huge loop almost ten years ago when my beautiful mother was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma and had her fighting for nine years as it spread throughout her body. She struggled, but she kept that witty smile on whenever I was looking. Even after watching her go through all that--doctor's appointments, hundreds of tests and scans, seizures, losing her hair and memory at times, etc.--for nine years, I could never have been prepared to lose her. Definitely could never have been prepared to watch her slowly stop breathing. I wasn't prepared to watch my loving grandparents mourn their only daughter. Or see my fun, smiley uncle break as he said goodbye to his older sister. These are things no one can ever be prepared for but have to deal with anyway. That's just what happens.

As horrible as this will sound--and I absolutely do not mean it to!--I have become a happier person since losing my mom. I have been the rock for my grandparents and uncle; I have become so much closer with my grandma than I ever thought I would be; I have allowed myself to cry whenever I absolutely need it; I focused harder on my schooling because Momma would've hated to see me falter; I have channeled any and all pain I have into my writings for school and this blog. But most of all, I have done my best to not take advantage of life. There are a lot of things that I will make the most out of if only for the fact that Momma can finally watch me live my life. I do not want to live a life she would not be proud of.

So. Are you ready to deal with life? Because ready or not, here it comes.

Until next time,

P.S. Sorry for writing about my mom so much, it's just what's easiest and hardest to write about right now. As time goes on, and I get used to not having her around, I'm sure I'll find other things to write about. But for now, this is what is going through my brain. Therefore, it will be going on my blog (:


The Small Things of Life said...

Very touching post and although no two situations are the same I have been through something similar and it's so hard. Keep strong and don't apologise for doing what it is you need right now :-)

Kay said...

Thank you TSTOL, that means a lot (: I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this and that I'm not annoying anyone with my posts!