Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Contemplating Life

The path to discovering who I am going to be in this world is full of difficult choices and failed career options. I have to sacrifice my past and the familiar to get there. Unfortunately, that means losing some of the people I thought would always be in my life. Granted, I've lost some along the way already, but I figured the ones who have made it this far would still be around. Little did I know, I was wrong.

When I say I've "lost" those people, I don't mean we're no longer friends; I will always love my friends from my past. They have gotten me through so many difficult times that I could never fully lose them. What I mean is that I do not have the capability of calling them to hang out whenever I am free or the ability to talk to them every day. We've gotten so busy with growing up, that we've grown apart. However, I know that when it comes down to it, if I really need them they'll be there. That's the kind of friendship we're at now.

Now, I played a big role in "losing" those friends. I made the choice to move away from home and live my life. It was a difficult choice, but I know it was the right one. I have never felt more at home than I do here. I am comfortable going to campus to work and coming home to be with my best friend. I am happier than I have been in a long time. I was never fully happy back in my hometown; I always knew I wanted and needed more. I needed to live my own life, figure it out on my own. Which is what I'm doing, and I'm beyond happy. I know more difficult choices like this one will come up as graduation gets closer (2 more years) then that means grad school.

Finally, failed career options are so common that I almost expect them now. I have changed my mind so many times on what I want to do with my major. Which is why I have taken this job on campus as an Assistant Editor to a book we publish. I have toyed with the idea of being an editor or a publisher for a career. Well, all I have done so far is the editing side of publishing this book, and it has been incredibly boring. This has opened my eyes to realize that I no longer want to edit people's papers. It is not that exciting for me. Who knows, maybe the publishing part of this job will be better, and I'll have a good idea of what I want to do. But right now, I'm at a loss of where I want to go.

While I love helping people with their writing process, I want to better my own. I want to write for myself. I would love to be a poet or a short story writer. I love not being told what to write and being able to write whatever I feel. However, there is almost no money in that as its own career; so I would have to have another job. Most writers that I know are also professors, and I don't know if that's what I want to do considering I am really not enjoying reading other undergraduate work right now.

I suppose that's what time is for, right? Time will pass, I will have more experiences, and the career path will open itself up for me eventually. For now, I will keep doing what I'm doing and see what happens.

Until next time,

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