Monday, May 25, 2015

A Glance at My Musical Side

I have been trying to find a way to send my Grandma the video of a song she should have access to whenever she wants. Engineering Harmony (the A Capella group I am a part of) performed Amazing Grace in honor of my Mom's birthday, which was May 3rd and the day of this concert. This was the best way I could come up with to share the video with Grandma, and for all of my readers to see what else I do other than writing.

This is not the best quality video, and Grandma is sniffling in the background of course. Please bear with me, and I hope this works! Enjoy!


Since we are sharing videos today, I wanted to share something very special to me that Coro D'Angeli (women's choir) gave me at the end of the fall semester this year. They recorded a song we sang in our first concert and created a video for me to cherish and share with my family after Mom's passing. The women's choir has been my favorite choir, even in high school. The family that forms each semester/year is everything a girl could ask for. I enjoy choir not only for the music, but for the people who do things like this:

So, thank you to everyone who has supported my love for music and made it the best it can be. Without my choir family, I would not have been able to make it through the last months as well as I did. I love you all, and I can't wait to see what next semester brings our way. 
Until next time,

Friday, May 15, 2015

End of the Semester Reflection

Another semester has come and gone. I worked harder than ever, challenged myself to take classes I wouldn't usually take, handled grief as best I could, and came out even stronger of a person. I had the luxury and annoyance of living next door to my best friends. I say annoyance simply because I know we all bug each other at times, but we love each other no matter what. 

This semester brought on a lot more than I planned for. For that, I am grateful. I took a full course load that hounded me with readings, essays, research papers, analyses, etc. If I wouldn't have done that, I would not be able to manage my time and sanity nearly as well as I can now. I was pushed past my limits and created new ones.

The results of this last semester are that I am now the Asisstant Editor for Stylus: An Anthology of Freshman Writing, I am the Membership Outreach Chair for The National Society of Leadership and Success, and I am the best version of myself that I have yet to be. 

I am happy with my life and where it's going. I look forward to seeing what I can do next!

Until next time,

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Happy Mother's Day 2015

This is a day I have been dreading this year. The day dedicated to celebrating our mothers. It's a whole day where I am reminded that I no longer have mine. I have had my random days when I think of her and break down, and I have had a lot of days where I think of her and stand strong. This day, I am allowing myself to deal with it as it comes. I have barricaded myself in my room (I made a fort), and I will let this day function as if nothing is happening outside this fort.

Now don't get me wrong, I am still going to celebrate the fact that I had the most beautiful mother in the world and she is by far the best angel up there. However, I am going to do so on my own. I will let others enjoy their day with their moms without unintentionally making them think twice about what they say around me.

So, in honor of Mother's Day and my angel-momma, I have decided to share two more pieces of my writing. Here is a poem I wrote for Momma:

November 16, 2014

On my way to
your funeral I wondered,
what good is day
when we can’t enjoy it?
You responded and sent two
flocks of sparrows to guide me
as I drove, surrounding
the car like our last hug.

Tonight, as I walk down Main Street, the
city, tall and bright, eliminates
the real skyline: dried cornfields meeting bare
trees that branch into a perfect twilight.
I find myself asking,
what good is night when I can’t
see the hidden stars?

After you were lowered,
I skipped lunch and walked the
dirt road alone thinking,
what good is a clear sky if I
can’t see into heaven? The face
of my angel only to be seen
in pictures of the day you became
my mom, my high school graduation,
but not of my wedding.
You tell me, by forming your
new angel-shape out of emerging clouds,
that you’ll still be there.

Tonight, I go to bed dreaming of your
angel-cloud that was gone too soon,
overcome by a rain-cloud. I ask
what good are clouds
if they take away the only
light left in my life?

  This poem was inspired by the story of the day of Momma's funeral. I was driving to her trailer, and a huge flock (it looked like maybe two separate flocks] of birds literally surrounded the car and drove with me for half a mile down the road. I was amazed, and I could tell it was Momma taking one last drive with me. Now, when I see a flock of birds, I think of her sending her love.

This next poem I wanna share in Momma's memory, is a very very rough draft of a sonnet-elegy hybrid I challenged myself to write this semester. It was difficult, and I'm still not sure if it says exactly what I want it to say.

For Momma

No longer do I keep up the fight
you left me on Earth alone to live
because I now have nothing more to give.
Your words echo in my ear through the night.
“Sweet angel child, live the life I might
never have. Always hold your dreams captive,
do this and you will become effective.
just promise to keep your Mom in sight.”
That piece of advice will get me through each
day. Life will become easier as I
grow to be the woman you were raising.
Although, I wish you were still within reach,
I know it was our time to say goodbye.
Your lifetime of strength has left me amazed.

Happy Mother's Day Momma. I hope you are having a wonderful time up there. I love you so much, and I miss you every single day. 

Until next time,

Friday, May 1, 2015

Dear Momma

Dear Momma,

Life is getting hard again. It's that time of year; last couple weeks of school and everything is due soon. Research papers, projects, portfolios, exams, etc. There's a lot on that "To-Do" list of mine. Yet, I have no motivation to get it all done. My cheerleader isn't here anymore.

Another round of firsts is coming. Your birthday is in two days, mother's day is next weekend. I'm moving in with my boyfriend, moving away from Dad's. I'm working a job that is finally relevant to my dreams. My writing and I won awards. I have two concerts coming up. You're still not here to be my number one fan again. 

I am left to only imagine what you would be saying to me in these situations. Imagining the advice you'd give me. I am left to deal with this grief through my writing. 

People say you're still here, but it doesn't feel like it. I want to believe you can read all of my poems and posts about you. They're for you. Inspired by you. 

I guess I'll never have an answer or response from you, but I'll keep writing for you. 

I love you Momma.

Until next time,