Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Dreams

Do you ever have those dreams that completely confuse you when you wake up? Those dreams that you aren't sure if it's reality or not? You have to wake up, check the date or text someone to ask them if it's real? Sometimes, those dreams are the best. Other times, it can throw your whole day for a loop.

I had one of those dreams last night. However, I'm not able to fix it by checking the date or asking someone if it was real. Those aren't really options for me right now. It doesn't help that today is kind of a gloomy day, so it's not like my mood can be improved by the weather. I am left here thinking about that dream and what it means. It's mornings that start off like this that encourage my lack of motivation to increase. I want to go back to sleep and finish that dream even though I know that's impossible.

Isn't it crazy how one dream can change your whole outlook on things? One day you can be so sure of the direction life is headed, then you have a dream that confuses you and suddenly you are questioning everything. It's so strange to me that that can happen. It makes me wonder what will I dream tonight? Will I dream the exact opposite, and then my outlook will go back to normal? Does that happen?

I'm full of questions without answers this morning. I am off to class to hopefully get my mind refocused. Have a good one!

Until next time,
Kay

Monday, September 29, 2014

Shake It Off

This morning I am listening to one song but different versions of it, Taylor Swift's "Shake It Off." This song has become one of my absolute favorites lately. Now, I normally am not a big fan of T-Swift, but this song has got me starting to like her again. It's got such a catchy melody, and it really makes me want to dance. Shake if off is always playing on my Spotify or any car radio I happen to be around. I literally can't get enough of it!

Therefore, I find covers of this wonderful tune. My favorite is by the band I mentioned a week or two ago, Two Worlds. I may be a little bias towards their cover simply because I absolutely love these guys. However, it's still a fantastic cover and makes me love the song even more. I don't think it's possible to get "Shake If Off" out of my head. It's been playing on repeat in my mind for the last two weeks.

Aside from the music itself there are a couple reasons why I love this song. For example, one of the lines in the chorus is that "haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate.." and "...I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake it off." I love that she understands that there are people out there who just don't like her. They judge her on her decisions and her music without even knowing who she is as a real person. I won't deny it, I am one of those people. I always say "I don't like her, but I like her music," and I know I really shouldn't. I also know that she truly doesn't care what people think of her. She is going to do what makes her happy and she's going to enjoy every second of her life. I admire that T-Swift.

I love the overall message she is sending with this song. She is telling people to live their lives for themselves no matter what anyone else thinks. Be proud of who you are and own it. There needs to be more of that in this world. People, myself included, care too much about what other people are going to think. It doesn't matter. Do what you need to do in order to make yourself happy, and the people who judge you for it aren't important enough to have a say. The people who are important enough won't judge you. Simple as that.

Well, I'm off to class now. It is safe to assume I will be jamming out to Shake It Off on my way. Have a great Monday everyone!

Until next time,
Kay

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Travel Internationally

Today's post will be a shorter one, mainly because I overslept and am running late for class (Oops!).

One of my first few posts was about my bucket list. Today, I am thinking about one of those items I listed. "Travel internationally." I have always wanted to travel out of the country, I've seen the pictures and seen movies. It seems like the perfect life experience for me.

My original plan was to study abroad in Ireland this coming spring. However, my plan seems to have changed a little bit in order to accommodate some other plans in my life. I am hoping to study abroad in Ireland next fall, my junior year. This plan will work out best for my life and where I need to be this time next year. I am meeting with the study abroad office tomorrow morning to get the ball rolling.

I couldn't be more excited about this plan. Of course, I will miss out on some things here in the states, and I will miss my family. However, this is something I need to make happen for myself. I have dreamed of Ireland my entire life, and I am finally capable of making that dream come true.

Anyway, like I said I'm running late for class. I've got to get going. Sorry!

Until next time,
Kay

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Dance Teacher

Today I am wearing a shirt that says on the back "Some people only dream of meeting their favorite dancer, I teach mine." I absolutely love this shirt because it's completely true. I may not be a teacher while I'm away at school, but I am forever a teacher at heart.

My students were my everything. I taught the majority of them when they were four or five years old, until they were nine or ten. The amount of growth I witnessed in these young dancers made me incredibly proud. I got to watch them go from the energetic students who just wanted to jump around to the slightly calmer students who actually wanted to become a better dancer.

I think of my students so much more than I would've ever thought. They brought so much joy to my life throughout my high school and partially college careers. They taught me so much about myself as a teacher, dancer, and a person in general. Those kids tested my patience daily, and they frustrated me a lot. Those times of frustration could never outshine the wonderful memories they gave me.

I remember watching a dancer struggle to figure out a new step. She never gave up, she kept doing it over and over again even though she was getting it wrong. I helped her break it down step by step. She followed along, and we gradually sped it up. After a while of speeding it up to the full speed, she finally got it. Her face lit up like the fourth of July. She did a little happy dance, and after that day she showed it to everyone who talked to her. No amount of annoyance could top the satisfaction of watching my students master a concept they never expected to.

On my last day teaching them, before I went away to school, my students made me cry. They all drew pictures for me and wrote letters. They gave me a giant group hug, and they reminded me how loved I was and how dearly they were going to miss me. Little did they know, I miss them a whole lot more than they miss me. They are going to grow up with a ton of different dance teachers, I will just be another one to them. However, to me those dancers will forever be a part of my heart.

If you couldn't tell, I am going through dance deprivation. I'm missing it terribly. I can't wait to go back to the studio and visit them all.

Until next time,
Kay

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Chivalry

Hopeless romantics are slowly fading away. The guys of today's generation don't bring roses, take a girl to a nice dinner, and bring blankets to lay under the stars all night just talking with her. However, there is always that one guy to prove me wrong. I found him.

Last night, he did those exact things! I went on a real date last night, and it was one of the best nights of my life. I am a sucker for romance, and this guy is the hopeless romantic type. It couldn't have gone any better. I won't go in to full detail mode, because that's not what I want to talk about this morning. I want to talk about the fact that chivalry is slowly but surely dying off.

Yes, I know it still exists; I witnessed it last night. However, it doesn't happen as often as it should anymore. Ladies of today's generation are not expecting as much from the guys anymore. They don't expect the guy to bring flowers or chocolates, they don't expect him to pay all the time, to hold doors, or take her on a real date. Why do we do this ladies? Why is it so wrong nowadays to expect to be treated this way? Granted, it may be excessive to expect this all the time, but expecting it once and a while isn't so bad. Is it?

Ladies, we lowered our expectations to dinner and just "hanging out" with a guy as a date. Dinner is a part of a real date, yes, but simply "hanging out" should not be.  That should be an every other normal day activity. Don't let yourself fall into the lowered expectations. Take control of how you are being treated, and you will eventually find the right guy. Now, I'm not saying become a controlling girl who tells him exactly what you want him to do. No, not at all. I'm saying when you first meet a guy who you are really in to, don't start spending 24/7 with him if he hasn't taken you out to actually get to know you. Dates don't always have to be elaborate romantic evenings, but there should be some time together in a public setting where you get to know one another.

Side note: In my opinion, it is not a date if the girl drives or pays, or both (unless you specified earlier that you want to take him out). I consider it a date when the guy drives and pays. I guess you could say I'm old fashioned in that way.

Anyway, all I'm saying is that us girls need to stop lowering our expectations for those guys who don't want to meet them. Don't settle for any less than you deserve. Find a guy who wants to take you out and show you off. Find that guy who makes you proud to be who you are; that guy who makes you feel like a princess.

Until next time,
Kay

Monday, September 22, 2014

Once a Dancer Always a Dancer

You know you're a dancer in college when...

You do barre in your dorm room.
The bunk beds become a barre, as well as the fridge combined with your desk. Spotify supplies the best versions of classical music to stretch and dance to. Carpet is not a sufficient floor to dance on, but you do it anyway. You make do with what you have.

You get weird looks when you crack your entire body.
Waking up in the morning and doing a grande plie makes your roommate think you just broke yourself. When you need to crack your back or hips in front of your friends, and they just stare at you wide eyed. Then they ask if that hurt. This is totally normal okay, I'm just not around my dance friends to get a congratulations on my cracking.

You point your toes during class.
Sitting in your desk listening to the world's longest lecture, your slide your sandals or moccasins off and start pointing your toes unintentionally. Besides, you gotta make sure you don't lose that arch while you're dying a slow boring death in this class.

You join as many dance clubs and classes as possible.
Then you end up becoming an assistant in those clubs and classes to teach those people who have never danced a second in their life. All you wanted was to keep growing as a dancer. 

You correct everyone who says anything slightly wrong about dance.
"Spin like a ballerina!" That'd be a cool trick because dancers don't spin, we TURN. Big difference. 
"1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10" Wrong. 5-6-7-8-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8 You can't start at 1 unless you're working on that particular section of the 8 count. Just saying.

You get concerned for anyone's muscles as they leave the gym in shorts on a cold morning. 
Please put pants on! That was the one huge lesson I learned from dancing all my life. Keep your muscles warm after you work out. Don't shock them and ruin all the effort you just put in. Take care of your muscles!

You watch old recital DVDs and Youtube videos when you're going through withdraws.
Let's be honest, I've done this many times. I go through withdraws all the time. A quick clip from a past recital or combination posted on youtube will suffice for now. At least for the next day or two.

I've done all of these so far this semester. I am forever a dancer, there is no getting that out of me. I'm just glad I brought my pointe shoes and my jazz shoes. I miss my ballet, tap, and hiphop shoes though. I miss my leotards and tights. I miss my dance family like you wouldn't believe. I keep a picture of them close by on my desk. I miss my students so incredibly much! That was the most rewarding job I've ever had. Teaching those young dancers the joy and passion that comes along with the steps being taught. Is it time to go back to that yet?
 
Until next time,
Kay

Friday, September 19, 2014

Self Love

Throughout my entire life I have had countless events that wore away at my self-confidence. I hid behind my innocent church girl mask for the sake of those I love. I couldn't bare to cause them any more stress than was already being inflicted. I bit my tongue when I shouldn't have. I walked away so they wouldn't see my reactions. I wouldn't let anyone see my potential and passion for my talents. I hid my true self.


Let go of the stress, be free, and be yourself!

Self-love was never a part of my vocabulary. I worried about others, their well-being and opinions. I wanted to be sure everyone else was happy before myself. I let them lash their anger out on me, I could handle their frustrations because I knew they weren't directed at me. I never showed off what I am capable of when it comes to my singing, dancing, playing instruments, and my writing. I believed no one wanted to hear/see any of that. No one cared enough. I also thought it was necessary to be a people pleaser in order to be happy. Therefore I hid how I felt until I got to bed at night and let it silently explode onto my pillow.

With each year that passes, that mask peels off more and more. I am becoming less afraid to speak my mind. I am starting to show my reactions and who I truly am. I am beginning to share my writing with people (hence my blog), and I'm singing/dancing in front of people. I'm slowly but surely becoming confident in my own skin. I still struggle with pretending at times, but that desire is fading.

I have found that I am much happier being exactly who I am. If someone doesn't like it, well that's their problem. I am caring less about what people think of me. I would much rather be myself and be happy, than to be someone I'm not and miserable inside. Granted, this is going to take quite some time before I am completely confident. I mean, I was hiding myself for about twenty years. Change doesn't happen over night.

If you take anything out of this blog post, I hope you are reminded that it's perfectly okay to be yourself. Even if there are people out there who don't like it, there are millions more who will. Be who you are, don't let anyone influence or change you in anyway. That took me twenty years to learn, and it's taken others much longer to learn. If you can engrave it in your brain now, you're better off.

Have a great one!

Until next time,
Kay



Thursday, September 18, 2014

New Friends

New friends are a blessing. They allow you to start completely new. You have a clean slate with someone you just met. That's the beauty of it; you get to choose what characteristics you share with this new friend. They won't know any different if you choose to leave out all the bad stuff you have gone through. They get to decide whether or not they like you as you are now, not based how you used to be.

Last night I made some new friends. Now, I have no idea how often I will see these people or if I'll ever see them again. I have no idea if I will remember all of their names, or if they will even recognize me walking around campus. However, it was great talking with people who don't know anything about me. I was able to be completely honest with them, and they understood with no judgement.

I know I can get that in the Judgement Free Zone with my best friends (see previous posts). I mean nothing against my girls, I love them to pieces. There is just something so relieving about talking to a brand new person. I can say whatever I want, I get to learn how they react to certain things, and I get to learn about their personality. The mystery of meeting a new person is what makes it so exciting to me.

Anyway, that's what is on my mind this morning. Have a great day!

Until next time,
Kay

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Godson <3

Blank Canvas

Tiny miracle baby,
He is a perfectly blank canvas.
At one day old nothing
Has caused color to be added.

Tiny miracle baby,
I pray he won't be painted 
With the purple and black splotches I posses.

Tiny miracle baby,
How I wish him to be painted
With shining yellows and reds.
With a green of nature and 
blue of peace.

Tiny miracle baby,
Will his canvas be as blank as mine?
Will he have that much hidden of himself?

Tiny miracle baby,
Paint yourself a rainbow.

This is a poem I wrote for Creative Writing last week. We were to write about the last time we were in a hospital and combine it with a list of how we would paint ourselves on a canvas. 

This is about my beautiful Godson. I absolutely adore him. He is about a month old now, and the pictures I am sent every day make me smile. I long to hold him once again. I haven't seen him in person since the day of his birth. 

This tiny miracle came in to the world and grabbed hold of every heart that came near him. I cannot wait to see him again in about a month! 

Auntie loves you buddy!

Until next time,
Kay

Drowning in Homework

There are nights like last night where I tend to question why I chose my major. I was drowning in homework from my classes. I sat at the library for 4 1/2 hours. 

Now, I know what you're going to say.
"That's college for ya!" Well, you know what? I'm going to complain a little bit. I'm allowed to. I am well aware that that is how college works, but that doesn't make it any easier or any less stressful.

I had readings upon readings, essay after  essay, and countless poems to critique. Now, I love to do all these things. However, I do not like to do an excessive amount at one time. It causes more stress than fun for me. On top of my homework for my English classes, I had a report to write for Psychology and a three page assignment for Math. Thankfully, I got it all done.

While I enjoy being busy, last night felt excessive. I know I will have many more nights like that one in my college career. I am fully prepared to tackle another long night of studying. It's just those nights when I ask myself, "Why do I enjoy this?" (Sarcastic tone of course).

Until next time,
Kay

Monday, September 15, 2014

Bad Decisions

A bad decision should never be followed by regret. A choice you made at one point was exactly what you wanted and needed. Never regret anything you do. Everything in life happens for a reason. Whether or not that decision will turn out to be a bad thing, it needed to happen in your life.

A bad choice could be anything from a relationship/friendship to not doing homework for a class and more. Don't ever think of those bad decisions as a waste of time. You could be with a significant other for a few years and it ends; that is not a waste of time. Those years with that person taught you more about what you want and need in a relationship. You were able to learn about the kind of people you want in your life. It wasn't a waste of time. Not doing your homework for a class could result in a bad grade, but don't beat yourself up too badly over it. Yes, you should've done that work, but it also taught you how hard you need to work in that class to get a better grade. You learn a little more about yourself.

Note: I am not condoning the neglect of your homework.

Anyway, don't ever regret a decision you have made because at one point it was exactly what you wanted. It taught you some sort of lesson, and made you who you are today. Be confident in your choices and never let anyone make you feel bad about something you've done.

Until next time,
Kay

Friday, September 12, 2014

Five Things to Never Say to a Girl

Last weekend a guy friend of mine said something to me that made me angry with him. This has got me thinking about all the things guys should never say to a girl. Saying certain things are guaranteed a negative response. So, here are five
things you should never say to a girl:

 (I apologize in advanced for any language that may offend you).

1. You shouldn't be mad about that.
Never tell us we can't be mad about something. There is probably a damn good reason we're mad about "that". We are female. We will have strong emotions at times. By telling us we should not be mad about something will make us even more mad. So save yourself the drama, let us fume for a while, and leave it alone.

2. I hate when girls where makeup.
Good for you. We don't wear makeup for you. We wear makeup to feel better about ourselves and to enhance our natural features. Now, I will understand if you say "I hate when girls wear too much makeup," because, let's be honest, no one enjoys looking at a face that looks like a crayola factory. There are girls out there that need to learn the trick to wearing makeup (make it look like you aren't wearing any). Aside from "those" girls, stop telling us you don't like when we wear makeup. It's not on to please you. So back off. 

3. You take way too long to get ready.
Result of makeup and taking my time to get ready...Worth it.
Do you even understand how annoying it is to hear that?! We have a lot of stuff we need to get done in order to look remotely feminine for a night out. Again, we mostly take all that time to feel better about ourselves, not for you sake all the time. Sometimes yes, but not all the time. First, we have to shower. That includes shampoo, conditioner, shaving, face wash, and body wash. That stuff takes a good 15-20 minutes. Then we have to figure out what we want to wear. What is going to make us look our best and still be somewhat comfortable? That takes about 10 minutes. Then we have to dry our hair, and if you have hair like mine, that is going to be a feat in itself. That could take about another 10 minutes. After our hair is dry we have to style it by either straightening or curling it, maybe a cute braid or a fancy ponytail? Depending on what we choose to do with our hair that could take anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour. If you have hair like mine, straightening takes about 20 minutes and curling takes up to an hour and a half. Then we have to put our makeup on (refer to number two for any comments about not needing it). That's another 5-10 minutes. Then we have to put on our deodorant, perfume, jewelry, shoes, and find a purse to match. That's another couple of minutes. All together that takes us relatively two and a half hours total to get ready. Now, to a guy that sounds obnoxious and like too much work. Even to some girls who aren't as girly as others that sounds like too much. However, for those of us who go through this regularly, it makes total sense. We want to feel our best when we go out, and in order for that to happen we need to look our best as well. So, guys next time you decide to complain about us taking too long, remember what all we have to do and just be patient. Either suck it up and get used to it, or don't even bother.

4. You always pick your girlfriends over me.
Stop. Just stop right there. 1.) No we do not. Not ALWAYS. 2.) You choose your guys over us at times as well. So just don't even go there. Just as you guys have bros before hoes, us girls have chicks before dicks. A lot of girls actually make plans in advanced, and we would like to spend time with our best friends. If that's not okay with you, then you can get out of the picture. Us girls will never let a guy come between our friendships. Besides, we would rather have girl talk than watch you play video games with your friends all night. Some nights it's entertaining to watch you play your games, but not every single time we come over. So yes, we choose to see our girlfriends occasionally instead of you. Just deal with it. Don't get mad at us for wanting to have fun. Haven't you ever heard that 80s song (Girls Just Wanna Have Fun)?

5. You're not strong enough.
Oh, if you wanna piss off a girl quickly, say this when we're carrying something. There is a BIG difference between wanting to genuinely help a girl out and calling us fragile little weaklings. Just because I am not ripped with biceps and triceps like you are does not mean I cannot carry this 50 pound bag. Girls do not develop muscles the same way as you "manly men" do. We still can be just as strong, it just doesn't show the same way. So please do us all a favor and stop calling women weak. We can knock your lights out a lot harder than you seem to think. Okay? Thanks.

These are just some of the things guys should never say to us girls. It will save a lot time, drama, and pain. End of story.

Until next time,
Kay

Thursday, September 11, 2014

September 11, 2001

Today is a tragic day in our American history. Thirteen years ago today, we were attacked as a nation. We lost too many citizens that day. Too many emergency responders, firefighters, police officers, and more. Today is a day that united our nation in grief and fear. So today, as you continue your everyday life, I encourage you to take a moment of silence to simply remember. Remember what happened that day. Remember how you were affected. Remember where you were when it happened, when you found out. Remeber, and never forget 9/11.

I was in 2nd grade. Still an innocent, naiive child. I didn't fully understand what had happened. Our teacher was told to "Quick! Turn on the news!" 

Why? The news is boring. I remember thinking to myself. She flipped on the TV, didn't have to pick the right channel. It was all over the news. Live footage. One tall building had collapsed in New York. Why did that building fall? What is so upsetting about it? Our principle told all the teachers not to let us watch it. She flipped it off. We went about our normal second grade day.

At the end of the day I went home.
I walk in, I see my dad and a friend in the living room with the same footage on. Only now it was a little different. Two tall buildings had fallen. Why? I sat down next to my dad and I watched. I listened. I saw the people of New York trying to outrun the all-consuming black cloud of debris. I saw the first plane hit, then the second. Then a third crashed into the Pentagon. Then a fourth in a field in Pennsylvania. Why are these planes falling? Why? 

I saw news reporters trying to get as close as they could without endangering themselves. I saw phone recordings of the tragedy. I saw bodies plummetting down from too high up.

The news people kept saying it was a terrorist attack. What is a terrorist? I was clueless back then. But I knew it was bad. I knew it was a terribly sad thing that would bring great depression across our country. 

That is my story of where I was, how I found out, and how I remember it. Obviously, I have learned of all the details now that I am older and have gone through quite a few history classes. I've seen almost every documentary about the 9/11 attacks on every 9/11 anniversary. It was a tragic day that untied our nation in grief and fear.

Again, take the time today to remember.

Never forget.

Until next time,
Kay

Photo curtesy of www.politcalears.com

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Expression Through Music

There are emotions that cannot be expressed through words. There are things I'm feeling that simply do not have words attached. I am a musician as well as a writer. Those emotions I cannot express through words, I express through music.

There is a song I am obsessed with lately. It's called Whisper by Two Worlds. The words do not fully apply to how I am feeling. It's the harmonies that satisfy the emotions I need to express. I could just listen to a version without words and melt to the softness of these two guys' voices.

Their voices mold perfectly together. I love all of their songs and covers they have done, but this song in particular calms me. It allows me to breathe and clear my mind for a little while. I'm even listening to it right now as I write this.

Can these guys follow me around all day and sing to me? That would give me the best day ever. Completely calm. There is something so magical about male voices singing beautiful harmonies like this.  Men who can sing will make a girl melt. At least a girl who can appreciate music and all the different aspects that come with the territory.

This is going to be a short one, because I have cleared my mind this morning by listening to this song on repeat. Have a great day everyone!

Until next time,
Kay

P.S. One other song of theirs I am in love with is their cover of Say Something originally by A Great Big World. Love love love!



Monday, September 8, 2014

My Version of Doodling

I'm on a poetry kick lately. Again, my poems aren't that great, but I feel like sharing them. This is a poem I wrote while in Psychology the other day. It's my form of doodling, I still was paying attention (mostly). These are words that an ex said to me back in high school that have made a home for themselves in the back of my mind.

Undesirable 
I don't want you.
Words that broke me. Ruined me for all men.
I don't want you.
A broken record in my mind. Insecurities rapidly growing.
I don't want you.
My face is too masculine. My body is too asymmetrical.
I don't want you.
I have too many emotions. Too much baggage.
I don't want you.
I'm not desirable. I'm not good enough.
I. Don't. Want. You.

 These are words that were spoken to me in such a tone that cut through me. Said so carelessly, so easily. Looking back now, it seems so trivial. Unimportant. Him telling me he didn't want me doesn't matter anymore. At that time however, it cut like a dagger to the heart. Those words play through my mind every time a guy decides to leave. 

It must be a girl thing. I am well aware of how desirable I can be. I am a beautiful, strong, independent young woman. On the outside. On the inside, I know who I am. I know I am beautiful and such. It's just harder to find those facts under all the insecurities that have been formed inside throughout my lifetime. Is that a girl thing? Do guys feel the same? Do they ever have feelings similar to ones mentioned in my poem? 

These are the things I think about randomly. 

Until next time,
Kay

We Knew Better

This past weekend I had two things that stuck out in my mind that I wanted to write about. Then I decided to combine them.

First, I had an assignment to write for Creative Writing. We had to write a horror/thriller story or poem using the first person pronoun "we" as the subject. It was supposed to be somewhat repetitive with a specific line. This is difficult for me, because I'm not a horror/thriller type of person. Therefore, I was going to originally vent about my difficulties being creative in that way.

Second, I have a friend who went out to a party this weekend. Let's call her Jane. When she finally got brought back here, we laid Jane on another friend's futon for the night. I ended up staying up all night taking care of her and making sure she was still breathing while she slept. That's just the inner mother in me that wanted to make sure she was okay. So I was going to talk about that experience.

Then, I decided I could combine these two instances. I could use the story of Jane's night and twist the details around to make it a horror poem for my Creative Writing assignment. As I was writing this poem/story, I got emotional. I completely changed the story of Jane's night into a horrific situation that I would hate to happen to anyone, especially my closest friends. Without further ado, here is the final product that I turned in for class; it's titled, We Knew Better.

Note: I apologize in advanced for some of the language in this to those it may offend.


We knew better. Frat parties have a bad reputation. Two twenty year old girls should stay away. We knew.

We knew better. That bottle should have lasted two nights. We drank it in an hour.

We knew better. That guy wanted more than our opinion of the drink. We knew. We drank it anyway.

We knew that wasn’t the living room. It was his room. We knew it wasn’t the couch. It was his bed.

We knew better.

We knew it wasn’t funny. But he was laughing. He was entertained.

We knew we should have left at that moment. Right when he brought out the rope. We knew better.

We knew we didn’t ask for it. We knew we didn’t consent. But he forced us to believe we did. We knew.

We knew we weren’t any of the names he called us. His sluts. His whores. His. We knew better.

We knew no one would believe us. He’s the big man on campus. He can do no wrong. We knew he would be innocent in their eyes. We knew better.

We knew we couldn’t tell anyone the next morning. We had to keep it to ourselves. We had to live with the secret of that night for the rest of our lives.

We knew better.

 Note: The events in the poem are completely made up. They have not happened to my knowledge. 
Now you can see why I got emotional while writing this poem. I would feel horrible if something like this were to happen to anyone, let alone my best friends. If you know of someone this has happened to, do not keep it to yourself. Tell someone. Get the victim the peace and justice they deserve. Save a life. 

Until next time,
Kay

Friday, September 5, 2014

Raw

Never did I expect to be blindsided by the Amtrak express headed directly for my chest. 
The impact left my heart raw. I can feel the burn of the hydrogen peroxide being poured directly in the cuts. 
They just want to make sure I'm not infected. What they forget is I'm still cringing. 
I need to get back up, not be reminded of the trauma my heart endured.
Forget the peroxide, forget the stitches.
Take back the Amtrak express.
                                    
This is a poem I wrote last night. It's not the greatest, but it was in my heart. I thought I would share.

Last night brought one way my life will be changing this year. I fully expected this to happen, but I never wanted it to. I didn't think I would hurt as much as I do by something I saw coming. 

It's funny isn't it? The things that hurt us emotionally. The things that cause us to physically feel the "trauma." I say it's funny because these are the things we could prepare our hearts for. We had time to cushion the blow. However, we had no way of knowing how much to cushion, how much preparation we needed. We fully expect something like this to come, but we choose to beileve it won't. 

That's what we have friends for right? Those girls I told you about in the last post (Judgement Free Zone), they will take care of me. They know how to keep my spirits up. They know how long to wait before doing so.

But for now, I do what I can to lessen the rawness of my heart.

Until next time,
Kay

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Judgement Free Zone

Though they annoy me sometimes, my friends are the best. They know how to make me laugh, even when I don't want to. They also know how to listen when I truly need to vent. I know they are not everyone's favorite people, they're loud, obnoxious, and can come across as fairly rude. However, I know they are also caring, entertaining, and they always mean well.

My friends and I have one rule for our group. We can't judge each other. We live in the "Judgement free zone," and it works out perfectly. We don't judge each other for something that we may have done accidentally or for stuffing our faces with junk food all night. We just don't. We've all been in those shoes at some point and we understand that. We accept one another for who we are. We don't try changing our personalities, we don't change our styles or taste in music. We are who we are, and that is perfectly fine by us.

Living in the "Judgement free zone" has made me much happier in my own skin than I ever thought possible. I can be a complete girly girl if I feel like it, and the athletic-non-girly-girl-type friends of mine can accept it. I can be the quiet and shy part of myself and my louder friends don't judge me for it. I could choose to stay in on a night a couple of them are going out, and they won't call me lame (well they might, but they won't actually mean it). I can be crying from a heartbreak and my friend who isn't the greatest at comforting others will still try and be there for me by just listening. That says more to me than a pep talk ever would.

They may not be everyone's cup of tea, but they're my favorite group of seven girls I have ever met. Thanks to college, I have met my life long friends. They mean the world to me, and I couldn't be happier to have these ladies in my life. They all know who they are.

I love you ladies!

Until next time,
Kay


Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Content

Today seems like an average day. I couldn't be happier about that. It's days like this that make me love being where I am. I have done nothing super exciting; I went to classes and have eaten lunch with the world tuned out and music playing.

I have simply observed all that has been going on around me. Friends reuniting after a summer apart, freshmen getting lost and confused, ambitious students actually studying on the second day of classes.

It's days like today that make me feel at home. I am reminded that I am finally where I belong. That reassurance pushes aside all the nerves and stress of trying to pay tuition and replaces it with peace and contentment.

Until next time,
Kay

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Confession

I have a confession to make. *Deep breath* I, Kay, am an impulse shopper. There I said it. I am an impulse shopper. However, I do not make frivolous purchases that are things I can get from a cheaper store or completely unimportant. I am an impulse book shopper.

Whenever there is a bookstore or a book section in a department store, I have to go look! I have to see if my favorite authors have published any new novels. I have to see if there are any new authors I need to read up on. I have to see what the new top selling books are that I should be reading.

I cannot help myself! I am drawn to books. If Danielle Steel has a new book out that I have not bought yet, I gotta have it! If Mitch Albom's latest page turner comes out, I need it! Lately, if John Green has another fantastic book that I have yet to hear of, it has to be mine!

Now, I see no problem with this impulse buy until I get home and see that I still have all these other books that I need to read yet. I have books with bookmarks still in them, because I got distracted by a new book for a while. This is a problem. My library isn't getting read as quickly as it grows.

I know I will eventually read all of my books. It just may take a lot longer than anticipated. All due to my impulse book shopping.

Phew. I'm glad I got that out in the open! Not that it was much of a secret to anyone who has gone shopping with me, but now it's on the internet.

Until next time,
Kay

Monday, September 1, 2014

College craziness

I didn't want anyone to think I've forgotten about my blog. Trust me, I have been wanting to post a bunch of different topics. However, this first weekend at school has been crazy busy. Today is the last day I am helping move in students to my dorm. I will begin my normal posts again tomorrow. Thank you for your patience! 

Much love!
Until next time, 
Kay